A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
this is so top tier i cant
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Thoughts
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.