I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Love this one 😂🧟
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes