Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
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When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
This makes total sense…
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”