*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
the three genders
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up