There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
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Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Great Canadian literature.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
a fate I wish upon no one
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating