Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
You Might Also Like
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.