The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.