Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”