Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
dude it’s called proctologist
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.