APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
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incredible
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?