[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
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I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
a lot to unpack here
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.