serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
*aggressively waits in line*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.