I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
next level snooze
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.