Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
my nickname in college
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?