Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
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I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??