i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
classic mixup
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”