When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
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me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Wednesday
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color