People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
You Might Also Like
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.