haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.