Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
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There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos