[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
This took me a second..
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.