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Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.