can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
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*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
WHY would you be happy about this?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”