Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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the three genders
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work