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[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.