I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
notice
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out