If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers