my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
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My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Just a reminder, folks:
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.