I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I’m good, thanks.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together