Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
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WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
couldn’t resist
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.