Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
You Might Also Like
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
This raises questions
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.