Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
This is my cat’s medicine.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them