My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
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If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
This is me 🤣🤣
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off