During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Every time my phone rings
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Ok but actually
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.