JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
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’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”