[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
🍞🦆
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children