That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.