Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
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i hate you platonically
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
i love modern commerce
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS