SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I hope it’s French Onion!
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.