lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
You Might Also Like
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Just a friendly reminder!
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse