Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!