“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
a lot to unpack here
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.