Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
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No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”