They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
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Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
So we got a goldfish…
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*