What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
A completely valid reaction tbh
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it