*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee