The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”