My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
life finds a way
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.