wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”