Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
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Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
.. do you even science?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now